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Miscellaneous Jokes

Miscellaneous Jokes

Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest.
The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home.
He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'

Mother: Come on John you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school.
John: Ahh mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.
Mother: Yes you do.
John: Give me a good reason
Mother: You're 44 and your the Principal!

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.
It says," Now there are two".

One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was an idiot, and if they were, they should stand. After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was an idiot. The kid replied, 'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those greedy people deducted $95.

There were 3 little alien dudes in a little green space ship. All the sudden they crashed on earth. The first little dude was purple, the second green and third blue.
The little purple dude walked into an opera house and heard "mi, mi, mi," "mi, mi, mi" and got stuck saying "mi, mi, mi," "mi, mi ,mi."
The little green dude walked into the purple cow and heard "fork & knife," "fork & knife" and got stuck saying "fork & knife," "fork & knife."
The little purple dude walked into a candy shop and heard "goody goody gum drops," "goody goody gum drops" and got stuck saying "goody goody gum drops," "goody goody gum drops".
On the way back to the space ship a policeman stopped them and said, "There has been a murder and, since you are new to this town, I think you did it. Okay! Let's get this straight. Which one of you did it?"
The little purple dude said "mi, mi, mi" and the policeman said "With what?" and the little green dude said "fork & knife".
The policeman said, "I'm sorry but you're going to jail."
The little blue dude said, "goody goody gum drops!"

There were three guys and a dragon . The dragon said, "I am going to eat you."
The first guy said, "No, let's make a deal."
The dragon said ,"O.K. what kind of deal?"
The second guy said, "If we each tell you something that we think you can't do, and you can do all of it, you may eat us." The dragon agreed to the deal.
So the first guy said, "Go to the barn, eat 16 rooms of hay,". The dragon did it.
The second guy said, "Drink half of the ocean water." The dragon succeeded in doing this, also.
The third guy burped, and said, "Catch it and paint it green."
The three guys lived happily ever after!

Once there was an Irish man an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.
While on top of the hill each man had to chuck his watch in the air, then run down the hill and catch it befor it hit the ground.
So the Irishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and SPLAT the watch hit the ground.
Next was the Australian who chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went and had a beer, did the shopping, came back and caught his watch.
"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.
"My watch is 1 hour slow !!!!!" replied the Australian.

Student: Miss, would you yell at me for doing something I didn't do? Teacher: No. Student: Good, because I didn't do my homework!