A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his
friend and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit 
smoking,' his friend says.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says. 
'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'What's phase one?' 
'I've quit buying.'


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Bumper Stickers to start the new year

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.


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New Years Resolutions
What You Say and What You Mean

What you say: "I will go to the gym more."
What you mean: "I will use their shower when the water heater is broken in my apt."

What you say: "I plan on eating healthy."
What you mean: "I plan on downshifting from venti to grande fudge brownie frappucino. No whipped cream." 

What you say: "I'm going to do something productive with my life." 
What you mean: "I'm going to elaborate my stories, so to sound more interesting to my friends." 

What you say: "I will try better to keep in touch with my mother." 
What you mean: "This is the year that I finally send my mom to the home." 

What you say: "I should be nicer to my little sister." 
What you mean: "I will only take five dollars from her piggy bank a week, instead of the usual ten."