• For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
• Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
• To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
• A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
• To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"

Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!

Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. For example, an Italian Mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill you." A Jewish Mother on the other hand would say, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill myself."

If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?

A Mother's Letter To Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Tim had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Tim with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."